Taking responsibility for clearly expressing and communicating your thoughts and feelings in a relationship are very important. However, it is only one part of the communication process. The aspect of communication that is more tricky for most of us, is really the process of listening to what a person is saying. Both parts of the process need to be working smoothly or misunderstandings and resentments will build. When I hear couples say, "We have a communication problem," I am often hearing that they are not listening to one another.

Why is "listening" part, often the more troublesome aspect of communication? Listening well includes suspending your own thoughts and feelings so you are not building a case in your head for your rebuttal. We are so afraid that we will not get our turn to respond that we immediately start formulating our responses while our partner is talking. It is pretty difficult to think about what we are going to say and at the same time, really actively listen to what someone else is saying. Developing good listening skills includes attempting to understand a person’s words from their own perspective based upon their experiences and not upon your own. Each of us wants to feel understood and valued for who we are. When we listen well we communicate not only the importance of the words but also we communicate our acceptance of him/her as an important person in our lives.

Listening well also communicates to our partner that their thoughts and feelings are valid and a valued part of them. Provide some feedback such as, "It sounds like you are really feeling upset," or "It sounds like you had a hectic day," in order to communicate that you are really listening and appreciating their attempt to share. Check in with your partner to see if you are receiving the correct message, "So it sounds like you want to take some time for yourself tomorrow, did I get that right?" so that you are sure you are hearing what your partner is saying. Many times, the "process" fails because we do not take the time to check if we are receiving the message our partner is sending. And take this opportunity to be empathic with what your partner is feeling and validate their experience. For example, "It sounds like you had a bad day and now you are feeling discouraged. I would feel the same way if I had gotten chewed out by the boss." This is one way to communicate understanding and provide a positive listening experience for your partner and yourself.

Take the time to really listen and express a real interest in your partner’s thoughts and feelings. Talk about these two aspects of communication with your partner and discuss some other ways to developing your listening skills. I promise you that if you take the time to become a better listener you will become a more sensitive and improved communicator as well. If you need any additional help give me a call. Let me know how you do.