When we "think" about finding someone to love, we often think about wanting someone who is more like ourselves, with our values and interests. However, when we are actually in a relationship, we often find that our partner is very different from us. Our partner may be more social, more reactive, more indecisive when it comes to problem solving. Or our partner really prefers to go to movies than go for walks in the park or prefers to stand, for what seems like hours, gazing at a particular picture in a museum while we prefer to stroll from room to room taking in the whole rather than focusing on a particular picture. Our first impressions about who our partner is changes overtime as we get to know him/her better. Have you ever wondered why this is? And, how does one ever really understand this thing called "attraction?"

What is really interesting is that like the old saying goes, opposites do attract. We unconsciously look for someone to love that possesses qualities that fill in the gaps of our own personality. More social people often are in relationships with people who are less social. Assertive people are often in relationships with people who are more easy going. So part of the answer lies in the fact that people are attracted to people who have developed parts of their personalities that they have not developed in themselves. Another part of the answer lies in the fact that we are also attracted to people that feel "familiar" in some way. Think about the word, "familiar." It’s root word is "family." Thus, what feels "familiar" is often a reflection of the interactions we developed in our own families as we were growing up. We are unconsciously attracted to what feels "familiar" and then assume because this person feels "familiar" or comfortable that they must be like us. Now I understand that many of you have spent a good deal of time attempting to not repeat patterns you learned in your own families of origin. I commend you for this. However, I want you to remember that we spend hundreds of thousands of hours with our families in the growing up process. Therefore, it is normal and natural to be attracted to people who feel "familiar." The problem lies in what we feel as "familiar" permits us to play out similar behavior patterns, often negative ones, with this new person in our lives.

I am convinced that the underlying basis of the "chemistry" we feel for another that we call "attraction" has at it’s core, a familiar or family connection. For we each long for an opportunity to rewrite the past with new endings or solutions. Being in a relationship with someone who is "like" on some levels, the person who in childhood had the greater impact on us, gives us such an opportunity. This is clearly an unconscious process as the "chemistry" pull is as well. You know how you will meet someone is who very good looking and personable but you feel no attraction? Or you will meet someone

who is not good looking and yet begin to have fantasies about them later on in the week?

I would like you to think about what I have written here and see if in your experience, you have had to happen to you. In the next article, I expand upon this idea because it is an important to understand this in selecting an intimate partner. After 25 years as a psychotherapist, I have seen this pattern occur over and over again. If you would like to discuss this with me, please arrange for a personal counseling session with me.