All of us have days when we feel depressed and discouraged. For many people certain days of the week seem more difficult than others. A pattern I have observed with my clients is that the weekends are particularly tough. I think part of the reason why this is so is that we have increased expectations for weekends. We "assume" that everyone has something grand and exciting planned when our own plans in comparison, seem dreary and uninspiring. If we are not in a relationship, we "assume" that "everyone" else is with a romantic other or at the very least, has an expansive social group and is eagerly participating in exhilarating planned activities. The reality is that the majority of people struggle with deciding what to do like we do and on many weekends, find themselves hanging out with no real plans at all. So...weekends can be tough emotionally with no clear cut plans and sometimes no one to hang out with either.
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Taking responsibility for clearly expressing and communicating your thoughts and feelings in a relationship are very important. However, it is only one part of the communication process. The aspect of communication that is more tricky for most of us, is really the process of listening to what a person is saying. Both parts of the process need to be working smoothly or misunderstandings and resentments will build. When I hear couples say, "We have a communication problem," I am often hearing that they are not listening to one another.
Why is "listening" part, often the more troublesome aspect of communication? Listening well includes suspending your own thoughts and feelings so you are not building a case in your head for your rebuttal. We are so afraid that we will not get our turn to respond that we immediately start formulating our responses while our partner is talking. It is pretty difficult to think about what we are going to say and at the same time, really actively listen to what someone else is saying. Developing good listening skills includes attempting to understand a person’s words from their own perspective based upon their experiences and not upon your own. Each of us wants to feel understood and valued for who we are. When we listen well we communicate not only the importance of the words but also we communicate our acceptance of him/her as an important person in our lives.
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This is the time of the year when many people experience sadness, worry and anxiety. Stores and shops begin decorating for the holidays now, right after Halloween, giving us a full two months to fret and worry about how we will spend these few days in November and December. This time of the year is fraught with high expectations as memories of magical days from childhood occupy our unconscious thoughts and feelings. All of us have positive and maybe some negative memories of childhood holidays when we were either surrounded by family traditions and relatives or disappointed that even the holidays could not produce the magic depicted on the Hallmark card commercials on television. Whatever our early experiences, we carry forward our feelings associated with these memories into adulthood. And so, each holiday season brings forth a degree of anticipation, expectations, concerns and issues still unresolved and usually unexpressed that results in feeling of sadness, joy, worry and anxiety. This is also the time of the year when singles may particularly feel left out of the loop. It seems "couplehood" is viewed as the most desirous way of spending the holidays. Certainly, the print and media ads portray couples, families and children as the desirable norm we should all aspire to in order to be happy......thus, creating within us a sense of incompleteness and unhappiness.
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Valentine’s Day is that special day when people traditionally display their love for one another. We want to present our partner with something unique that somehow sets this day apart from others during the year. However, I would like to suggest that we give time and attention to our relationships throughout the year, and not just on this one day.
Relationships need to be nurtured and cared for on a daily basis. When I hear people saying that "relationships are hard work," I don’t believe this. Caring for a relationship on a daily basis really involves four key steps that each of us can, with ease, practice. By practicing these steps, relationships will not be ‘hard work" but rather a joy and pleasure to be a part of. Here are the four steps:
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When we "think" about finding someone to love, we often think about wanting someone who is more like ourselves, with our values and interests. However, when we are actually in a relationship, we often find that our partner is very different from us. Our partner may be more social, more reactive, more indecisive when it comes to problem solving. Or our partner really prefers to go to movies than go for walks in the park or prefers to stand, for what seems like hours, gazing at a particular picture in a museum while we prefer to stroll from room to room taking in the whole rather than focusing on a particular picture. Our first impressions about who our partner is changes overtime as we get to know him/her better. Have you ever wondered why this is? And, how does one ever really understand this thing called "attraction?"
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I have been writing this column almost a year now and I thought it might be helpful to share with you some of my thoughts about counseling. I am often asked about when is the appropriate time for someone to seek counseling? How does one know the differences between what are just normal ups and downs of life or when life problems are serious enough that having an objective point of view would be helpful? I will try to shed some light on these questions?
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